Forgotton Memories

So Since my Accident... I havent really remembered everything.. I don't know people who are my "family" but ... Yesterday I played breakeven on guitar and I cant help but think I sang it for someone before.. Maybe not face to face but sang it specifically for someone.. A girl and its killing me not knowing what I cant recall.. Like it makes me happy playing the song but sad too.. Like im missing something. I WILL REMEMBER EVERYTHING.

Last nights playlist

Way out - Yeah Yeah Yeah's
Dead leaves and the dirty ground - The white stripes
Crystalised - The Xx
Black balloon - The Kills
You don't know me - Ben Folds
Starry Eyed- Ellie Goulding
22 - Lily Allen
Soul Meets Body - Death Cab For Cutie
Bitter Sweet Symphony - The Verve
Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeah's
It;s Not You It's Me - Coconut Records
Sleepyhead- Passion Pit
Dance( A$$) - Big Sean
Swallowed In The Sea- Coldplay
Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend
Waste - Foster The People
I want you too - Weezer
Paper Planes - M.I.A.
Starlight - Muse
Life In Technicolor- Coldplay
I can talk - Two Door Cinema Club
Somebody Told Me - The Killers
Cosmic Love - Florence & The Machine
Under The Bridge - Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Speed Of Sound - Coldplay
Trouble - Coldplay
Secret - Forrest Day
If I Ever Feel Better - Phoenix
Yellow -Coldplay
The Ocean Breathes Salty - Modest Mouse
Say it Aint So - Weezer
Young Folks - Peter Bjorn and John
Don't Panic- Coldplay
Fluorescent Adolescent - Arctic Monkeys
Float On - Modest Mouse
The Way We Get By - Spoon
Fix You - Coldplay
Sweet Disposition - Temper Trap
Such Great Heights - The Postal Service
Daylight - Matt & Kim
1901 - Phoenix

Surveys Cause I got bored :O

[ ]I have eaten more than 5 meals a day.
[x ] I have read a lot of books.
[x ] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[x ] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[x ] I have been to Canada.
[x ] I have watched cartoons for hours.
[x ] I have tripped UP the stairs.
[x ] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[x ] I have been snowboarding/skiing.
[x ] I have played ping pong.
[x ] I swam in the ocean.
[x ] I have been on a whale watch.
[x ] I have seen fireworks.
[x ] I have seen a shooting star.
[x ] I have seen a meteor shower.
[x ] I have almost drowned.
[x ] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.
[x ] I have listened to one cd over & over & over again.
[x ] I have had stitches.
[x ] I have been on the honor roll.
[x ] I have had frostbite.
[ ] I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there
[x ] I have stayed up til 2 doing homework/projects.
[x ] I currently have a job.
[x ] I have been ice skating.
[x ] I have been rollerblading.
[x ] I have fallen flat on my face.
[x ] I have tripped over my own two feet.
[x ] I have been in a fist fight.
[x ] have played videogames for more than 3 hours straight.
[x ] I have watched the power rangers.
[x ] I do/did attend Church regularly.
x[ ] I have played truth or dare.
[x ] I have already had my 16th birthday.
[x ] I have already had my 17th birthday.
[ ] I've lost weight since one year ago.
[x ] I've called someone stupid. And meant it.
[x ] I've been in a verbal argument.
[x ] I've cried in school.
[ ] I've played basketball on a team.
[x ] I've played baseball on a team.
[x ] I've played football on a team.
[x ] I've played soccer on a team.
[ ] I've done dance on a team.
[ ] I've played softball on a team.
[ ] I've played volleyball on a team.
[ ] I've played tennis on a team.
[x ] I've been on a track team.
[x ] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
[x ] I've bungee jumped.
[x ] I've climbed a rock wall.
[x ] I've lost more than $20.
[x ] I've called myself an idiot.
[x ] I've called someone else an idiot.
[x ]I've cried myself to sleep.
[x ] I've had (or have) pets.
[ ] I've owned a Spice Girls cd.
[ ] I've owned a Britney Spears cd.
[ ] I've owned an *NSYNC cd.
[ ] I've owned a backstreet boys cd.
[x ] I've mooned someone.
[x ] I've sworn at someone in authority.
[ ] I've been in the newspaper.
[x ] I've been on TV
[x ] I've been to Hawaii.
[x ] I've eaten sushi.
[x ] I've been on the other side of a waterfall.
[x ] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
[x ]I've watched all the Harry Potter movies.
[x ] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
[x ] I've watched the 3 stooges.
[ ] I've watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica.
[x ] I've watched Looney Tunes.
[ ] I've been stuffed into a locker.
[ ] I've been called a geek.
[ ] I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade.
[x ] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it.
[ ] I've hugged my mom with the past 24 hours.
[ ] I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hours.
[x ] Ive met a celebrity/music artist.
[x ] I've written poetry.
[ ] Ive been attracted to someone much older than me.
[ ] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[x ] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
[x ] I've had/have siblings.
[x ] Ive been to a rock concert.
[x ] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[x ] I've been in a play.
[ ]I've been picked last in gym class.
[ ] I've been picked first in gym class.
[ ] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class.
[x ] I've cried in front of my friends.
[x ] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
[x ] I've played Halo 2.
[x ] I've freaked out over a sports game.
[x ] I've been to Alaska.
[x ] I've been to China.
[x ] I've been to Spain.
[x ] I've been to Japan.
[x] I've had a fight with someone on AIM
[x ] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face.
[x ] I've had serious converstations on an IM.
[x ] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me
[x ] I've been forgiven.
[x ] I've screamed at a scary movie.
[x ] I've cried at a chick flick
[x ]I've laughed at a scary movie
[x ] I've watched a lot of action movies.
[x ] I've screamed at the top of my lungs.
[x ] I've been to a rap concert.

Hush now, It won’t hurt unless you move.
I promised I would save you, I have been untrue,
Close your pained eyes, Evil you can’t see.
Shut your lips and gripped hands held tight,
I won’t let you see this side of me.

Speak not the simplest sound, Whisper it in your head.
I can feel the heart inside you, alive, Your not dead.
Faster and faster it races in time.
Pounding with harsh movements, Your body weeps.
Its so equally aligned.

Pride falling from your lips.
Teary eyes and slight touches of your weakened fingertips.
Looking into the dark, lost and confused.
Ankles sewn in place, while pretty wrists are barbwire laced.
Trapped in hell, abuse encased.

I hate that nobody see's. There is so much that I hide and once it spills over my lips, gushing out you still refuse. Ive told you the things that I have done. The hurt and pain that I have cuased, Yet im never fully at blame. Im not as innocent as I come off to be, I need help. I'm not me...

Could you make me a map to your eyes?
I can't seem to discover what's lurking deep inside.
Your secrets, The indefference you try to hide.
I can see it, It's a mystery. Lost forever deep in an endless dream.
So please, Just open up wide, Sing to me the story of your lies.

Your voice, a harmonic melody.
Like an angel, broken winged and lost in a crimson sea.
Something they can only exprience when they shut their eyes to sleep.
But Not Me.
So spread your pretty lips, and sing.

Random Thoughts

Today, I just couldnt help it. I looked outside and just thought.
What if you were still here. What if I saw you walk up the driveway carrying your workboots and
your hat. Swaying that light blue cooler in your other hand. You would knock on the door and yell out.
"Brayden, bud can you get the door for me". You had your hands full. It was daily routine. Even if you didnt  have much that day, you always forgot your keys. After you would clean up and you would ask me if I wanted to go down to the shop with you to work on some of the old trucks that needed fixed up. I always had fun doing that with you. We did that almost everyday.

So now as I think, I wonder. What were you feeling, all those days.
You were never to tired to come home and take me to do all the things you knew  I loved to do?
You worked so late though? It's like you did it just because, because you knew I enjoyed it.

My favorite memory, Not too exciting for most people dad. But to me, its the most fun I could have, I would take death tomorrow if I could just live that memory today. This memory haunts me, it destroys me, but its also what keeps me breathing. I hold on to it and cherish it. I never know what to make of it.
Its always in the fall, You would take me to go fishing by the lake in the woods, The trees full of color, some of the leaves slowly falling to the ground in shades of red, orange and yellow. Crisp little snapping noises they would make as we crossed over them with our feet. It was like a dream. We would camp there over night. I loved the noises and the feel of the wooded area, the smell of the cool breeze. I loved it there. It was me and you, we talked about everything and anything, we never stopped talking it went on forever, we laughed had marshmallows and honestly, we never really caught many fish we were to busy enjoying the company and laughing at silly, foolish things.

Its the place where I can think of you and all our good memories, but also the worst of all.
That place created me, it was my world, my place of peace.
Then it turned into a place of death. That road, the road in front of that autumn forest, the highway, long, vast and lonely it was the road that stole you. Reached out its arms and pulled you down and into the earth. Yanked at you from all sides and then burned your flesh with heat and rage. It created, then destroyed.

yeppppp.

How are you feeling right now?
Why are you feeling the way you do?
How is life going right now?
Do you want to change anything?
Do you miss anything?
What are your thoughts on your life?
When was the last time you cried?
What mood are you in?
What put you in that mood?
Why are you letting yourself be in this mood?
Can anybody help you break this mood?
Do you wish you were somewhere else?
Do you enjoy where you are at today?
Do you do anything lately that helps you?
Are you a good or bad person?
What makes you this type of person?
Do you you wish you were the exact opposite oh who you are today?
Do you share your feelings with anyone?
Who do you share your thoughts with the most?
Who do you feel comfortable venting to?
If you could change one thing right now what would it be?
Do you plan on doing anything about changing your mood if it's bad?
What makes you the happiest?
Who makes you the happiest?
Would you ever just leave and never come back?
If you left what would you miss?
Do you consider yourself lucky?
If you could say a few things to someone right now who would it be?
Do people judge you?
What memory do you miss most in life???
Finally, what are your future plans?

Suicide Survey

If you wrote a suicide Note:

Would you put anyone's name on it?	Yeah, Most likely
If so, list the names:	Samantha, aidan, Ryan, My mom, Dad, Amanda, kristin, adam, troy, hayden, Isaac, coloton, coby, Gabe. Im sure there's more.
Why would you write it?	So people would undertand.
Would you even write one?	If I was going to kill myself yes?
Would you want it to read at your funeral?	Yes.
Who would you want to find it?	My Mom.
Would you want people to remember it?	Well. yeah?
Would it be a long note, or a short one?	Long.
Name 3 specific things you would mention in it:	My Stepfather, A girl, Why I did it.
Where would you leave it?	My bed.
Would it be written or typed?	Written.
What color ink would you use?	Black.
What kind of paper would you put it on?	Regular Notebook Paper.
How many copies would you leave lying around?	None, there should only be one copy.
If you were going to commit suicide:
Would you go through with it?	Yeah??
Why would you do it?	I cant explain..
How many times would you think about it first?	Alot.
What weapon/ method to die would you choose?	A knife, Classic way.
Why?	It's just how i would.
How many other people would you want to be around?	None, I would do it alone.
Would you plan it out, or just do it?	Specific things would need planned out.
What would your last words be?	Im sorry.
Would you tape record it?	Maybe.
Would you video tape it?	Maybe.
Would you tape yourself up?	No.
If so, how the heel can you kill yourself if you are taped up, dummy?	exactly.
Who would you want to find your body?	My step dad.
After you committed suicide:
Who would actually find your body?	^^^^
In what condition would they find it?	cut open with a knife.
Describe the look on their face:	Hopefully pained.
How long before you were found?	Not long.
How long before they called the police?	No need, my step father is the police.
How long before they told anybody?	The probably wouldnt, not until they had to, to much shame.
Would you be partially decayed already?	Nope.
Would they find the note first, or your body first?	Probably me.
Why would they think you did it?	They would know.
What are the first 3 emotions they would feel?	Guilt, Pain, nervous.
What's the real reason you did it?	.
Do you think they'd figure it out?	YES.
The main reason?
The second reason?
The secret reason?
What are the first 3 people they would tell?	My Brother, My aunt, My Best Friend
At your funeral:
How many people would be there?	Only close friends and family/
What do you want people to remeber about you?	The way I was when my father was alive, When I was happy and strong.
What do you think they'd actually remember?	That I was weak, That I lost myself and surrendered.
Would you want to be buried or cremated?	Cremated
What would you think about right before you died?	How it will affect my close friends, How my brother will be after.
Would others have killed themselves because of you?	I hope not, Im not worth it.
If so, who?	My Brother.
If so, would they have their funerals on the same day?	Yes.
What would it say on your tombstone?	My name.
What would you want it to say?	^^^
Do you think it'd be a good idea to mention that in the note?	Yes.
Well, it's too late. Do you wish you had said something about it earlier?	No.
If you were buried, where would they bury you?	Colorado
If cremated, where would they scatter your ashes?	Colorado
What 3 objects would you want to be put in the coffin with you?	Not a thing.
Did you notice I keep saying 3 of everything?	Yes.
Did you know 3 is an unlucky and very bad number?	Yes.
Do you really care about details like numbers and stuff?	Not Really.
Who would speak at your funeral?	Not sure.
Summarize what they would say:	They wouldnt know what to say, nothing probably.
Keep summarizing:	Cant.
Would you want people to dwell on your death, or move on?	Move on.
Would they remember or forget you?	I wish they would remember but, forget.
WOuld you want them to remember the things you said, or the things you did?	Yes.
What would happen to your memories?                      Not sure

Have you ever looked in a mirror and something just really caught your eye?
You see someone staring back at you that you can't even recognize.

Best Friend Song

So this is the supeeeer, SUPER! rough draft of the song im writing for my best friend lol.
When im done, trust me it will be so much better than this



You are funny and cute and i just gotta say id be nothing without you.
Cause your crazy and wild and you got some mad style, and i really couldnt be without you, yeah its the truth.
You drive me up the wall, and you got me on my hands and knees.
Im forcing out the words, cause i know that they need heard, but you really mean alot to me.

Darling your the greatest escape your my secret mistake but i wouldnt take it back for anything and
Your halfway there got me stopping to stare at how amazing your eyes are blazing, burn righht through me,

Your my best friend, and i know i love you so and i just, i just had to let you know.

Your innocent on the outside a sinner not a saint you really know how to dance and sing,
got a voice that could hypnotize its what brings the sparkle to my eyes.
Your smile is the stars, in the sky when i look up at the moon i think of your bright eyes and i
I think to myself oh am i lucky, im the luckiest guy on earth ,yeah i must be..

Darling your the greatest escape your my secret mistake that i wouldnt take back for anything and thats what id do, id do anything for you, Your halfway there got me stopping to stare at who youve become and you amaze me, dont change for anyone. your amazing and girl those deep eyes are blazing, burning straight through me...

Cause your my best friend, and i know i love you so and oh, i just thought id let you know.

November

I really just think it's all falling apart.
Maybe I should just surrender.
It's clear im losing fight.
Everything was just to good for awhile,
I should have know that you would take it..
Take it and destroy it all.
You have dissasembled me in every way.
Im nothing, Im a broken empty body.
That's all you've left me with.

Who Knew

So I never thought I would end up sitting in the waiting room at St.Vincents Genral Hospital. Never in my life honestly did I imagine I would ever be here again, Iwas only here a few times. Simple things were really all I ever had to come here for. A broken arm, A slight concussion, the silly things that kids always have to go to the hospital for. I didn't imagine it would be like this.

Colorado. Why am I back in Fucking Leadville Colorado. The town where everyone knows everyone and there really aren't anyy secrets. I've missed it here. But I would kill to be anywhere but this empty hospital. Ive never seen a hospital that was this empty in my life.

It's like a nightmare, A horror movie when you smile to yourself and think yeah right, what hospital looks like that at night..well this one does.

Lately

I haven't been getting much sleep, My life is pretty blah at the moment.
I have to deal with school and two jobs and I have nobody really in my family to talk to anymore.
It has been pretty stressful.

But im assuming everyone already knows but, I finally managed to regain my self again.
Well my appearance I wouldnt exactly say myself, Cause that would be a lie.
But hey at least I look normal again.

I was begining to not recognize myself anymore.

Monster

There's a monster in my bedroom, but he isn't what you would think.
He doesn't have red eyes but they burn right through me.
He has an anger inside, such hatred my heart is foced to sink.
He doesnt tear you apart with sharp razor claws, he doesn't eat your flesh.
He shuts me down by attacking all my flaws and telling me I have nothing left.
He doesn't want to kill you, he wants to break you down.
He doesnt have a scary face, You would never even know.
I hate this place, Though I may not let it show.

He attacks me with his fists and burns me with his words, bruises my body, Im never heard.
He isnt what you would expect a monster to look like but I assure you that he is one.
He can make you feel so dead inside, like your faith and hope are completely done.
He is the nightmares i see in my dreams, He is the cause for all this hurt inside of me, the reason for all the screams.

I'm Falling into pieces, I dont know what to do.
Did you know, that monsters could look just like me and you?

What it feels like to fall asleep.

Late at night the sun was still awake,
We all knew that this had to be fake.
The bright light in the midnight sky,
My hopes, my dreams
A sign that they have all passed me by.

My colored walls fade out to grey.
My music my in my ears, like a sad movie,
it continues to play.
My closet, door wide open and bare,
why is it so clean, why is nothing there?

The black hole that sucked up the sky
I saw my reflection, Am I to die?
My eyes were devoured into my skin,
My face slowly melted and then caved in.

The ligts go out, the sun sank into the sea,
Suddenly I am running but I cant move my feet.
The nurse takes me by the hand and pulls me into,
Into that room. That unfammiliar place, with is filthy,
dark, gaudy goom.

The doctor comes in and he shines a bright light on my skin.
I feel scared and nervous, my heart sinking in.
He pulls out the needle and stabs into my skin.
My whole body shutters, eyes flicker then it all goes dim.

"Proffesor here's my paper" well I just can't win.
Punishing me for something, well im not sure what I did.
They all start to look at me, heads roll.
Some laugh at my discomfort as others keep hushed souls.

The walls collapse and the deep trees touch my skin,
Curious as to why i'm here. The deep jungle, the forest
it takes me in. White roses and cornflowers all along the way,
They are leading me, to this abandoned home.

Alarms sounding off as something in the kitchen there burns.
The bedroom was rotten and dirty, the furnuriture all in disaray.
Tables upturned and chairs with broken legs.
The paint on the walls was chipped and torn away.

The light hardly worked, It flickered and then dies.
Thats when suddenly soaked in sweat and tears,
I opened my eyes.

...

I feel like im wasting my life sometimes. Like im just letting it all fade away, slowly disappear before my very eyes. Why?

Now Playing-

Mumford & Sons

You won't even understand this but...

Could you  create me, with every word you say?
Take out my heart, fix it, then hand it back to me.
I really want to hear you say it,
That you won't let me fade.
I want to hear it in your voice, Tonight im better off this way.

Thanks for caring

So we all obviously that I have been in the fucking hospital for awhile. Well I love how the day I can finally come home my mom yells at me for everything.
I really just don't even know what I do to make her so mad.
Im refusing to speak unless told to do so. So if I don't answer you, you know why.
Thanks for the scars mom.